Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Sux To Be Me

(All pics. snapped on 5/18/11)

I realize it's not like me to post back-to-back Big Ugly entries, like this...but I took this group of pics. earlier today...and if I don't do something with them right this instant - while everything is still so raw...chances are - I'll wind up chickening out. 

Something about them affected me (still is, actually) in the strangest and deepest of ways. This shoot wrecked me...literally broke my sorry ass down. Unlike any other shoot that I've ever undertaken. 

It wasn't even an especially grueling shoot...aside from having to cram myself and my stuff through an open window, in order to get inside the house (but that part was actually kinda fun)...

...Oh - and I did run up and down the staircase 118 I'm definitely feeling that in my calves, right about now...

But you know? There's this part of me that just wants to bury these stupid pictures...spare myself the humiliation of blatantly advertising my irrational and oftentimes volatile moodiness...but more than that - so I can totally forget the thing that made them so emotionally charged to begin with. 

But guess what...I'm not. Because snapping, editing and compiling these photos has been a damned good way to work through some of the heavy energy that the "thing" has riddled me with today...

Honestly? The whole process has been cathartic to the millionth power.

The trouble is, I don't feel much like writing about the "thing"...or the photos...or the shoot...or the aftermath. So I'm afraid it's up to you guys to conjure your own narrative to accompany these pics..

K, so now that that's done...what the hell am I 'sposed to do to distract myself...

...I guess I'll just smoke about 500 more cigarettes...and pound cocktails until I can no longer see straight...yeah...that'll work.


  1. ANGER! FRUSTRATION! Acceptance?

  2. @Steve - Yes SIR! ALL of that...there was even a happy ending. That being said, it's the type of situation where keeping a level head and trying to stay calm - will be absolutely critical to ensure any sort of success..but unfortunately - neither behavior comes naturally to me...

  3. Dang! You're lookin' pretty intense. Thanks for sharing the raw emotion. Please don't consider taking these down. They're amazing.

  4. @A Redditor - Oh LAWDY, honeychile!'s pretty difficult for me to even LOOK at these pics. today...*shudder*

    Anyway, It IS good to hear that they didn't totally freak YOU out :)

  5. I've tended to follow the philosophy that being intensely emotional about your work is a good thing.

    I haven't done much photography since last Nov... but I've been working on other stuff and it's good when it's upsetting...

  6. Wow, two extraordinary shoots in a row! Again, excellent work! Interestingly, I think you've just created the storyboard of the emotions of the creative process!

    Totally off the subject, but I'm reading (or listening, actually... it's an audiobook) to an awesome book right now: Where Great Ideas Come From. Highly recommended.

  7. @wirehead - I totally agree with you...and you know, in the past I have definitely been emotionally affected - particularly by certain specific shoots...but THIS shoot made me realize that I kinda hadn't seen ANYthing was pretty startling, actually. And although I was/am completely aware that the whole experience was a GOOD thing - there was still this part of me that felt almost embarrassed or ashamed to see images of myself losing my shiz, the way that I did.

    It's funny, cuz I always proudly show my pictures to my kids, no matter what the setting or situation: fully naked, sometimes in public, trespassing, rolling around in filth - but I haven't shown them THESE pics....and I'm not sure when or even IF I will...weird.

    Anyway, thanks so much for comin' here, and for offering your slant on things...I really do appreciate it.

  8. @Steve Mouzon - Oooh...Imma HAVta check out that audiobook! (Hopefully my kids will tolerate me playing it in the car...)

    And...YEA! I always feel like I've pulled off some sort of coup (or something) anytime I get positive feedback from you (I'm not gonna lie - whenever I don't hear from you for awhile? I can't help but scrutinize my work, and then try and figure out where I might be falling short/flat - it's very helpful, actually). Needless to say, I'm considering this to be a very successful week, so far...despite all of those silly tears, haha!

    Thank you so much, Steve...

  9. Wow.

    Good grief. What a disturbing (but nevertheless wonderful) set of photos. Your expressions and raw emotion in the earlier ones and the look of utter hoplessness in the latter are - heh, I can't put words to it. Wonderful, wonderful images.

    I'm not even going to conjecture whatever it was that made you express yourself in that way but I sure as hell hope it gets sorted out.

    You look like you need a really good hug! {{{{{ HUG}}}}}

  10. @adrianh - seems like lots of stuff is kinda topsy-turvy in my life, atm...your virtual {{{{{HUG}}}}} is greatly are your uplifting comments :]

  11. Lauralyn, you're a lot like me in one way: we're both completely untrained to be photographers, which can be good in that it means you have to discover all the good stuff yourself, rather than have someone teach it to you. But it's also scary, because it means you never know exactly what you're looking for until you find it... you don't even know where to look, or even if it actually exists.

    But in the end, I think it's better that way. If all you did was follow the teacher's instructions, you'd pretty much be doing production work, wouldn't you? A lot like working in a factory... not nearly so interesting as trying to figure it out as you go along!

    So yes, I'm always scrutinizing my work, too, trying to figure out where it's falling flat. And I'm always changing. I hope that if you saw my work today versus five years ago, you'd think it was two different photographers... because it is. I'm not the same photographer I was in 2006... not by a long shot. If I were, that would be a colossal waste of time, wouldn't it?

  12. @Steve Mouzon - I love being a "primitive" artist - for all of the reasons you listed above - plus more! But up until early last year however - I was into drawing and painting, only. It had never crossed my mind to try and tackle photography as a discipline. And what's funny is - I still feel uncomfortable labeling myself as a "photographer". Same thing goes for calling myself a "model". But what I AM comfortable with, is dabbling in both - with the hopes that I eventually become a better-then-average artist...whose work does show improvement over time. Otherwise, Yes. It would be a HUGE waste of time.

    Thanks, Steve :)

  13. Just came in on this, xoxooxoxoxo honey. Realizing ironically when this was going on we were leaving you voicemails from a 6 year old to please come visit... will call tomorrow. xoxoxoxoxo