CHEAP CAMERA/10 SECOND TIMER SELF-PORTRAITURE

Friday, October 29, 2010

Busman's Holiday

Woo! After that last post, I'd say we're due for something a little less er...macabre? Whatchu fank? Aaaand since it is nearly Halloween and all, I figured - what better time to do a piece devoted entirely to the lighter side of costume and theme.


(Snapped on 8/12/10)

You might remember me mentioning in a recent post, that I dressed up as a beauty pageant winner (minus the "Miss Something or Other" sash) and did some self-portraits at the local county fair - while things were nice and quiet during the off-hours. This may have been the first time that I had to explain to folks in detail, the deal with dash photography - in order to then ask for permission to take pictures with their property...in this case - the dairy cows entered in the livestock competition. And every single time that I ran through my spiel, mouths fell open, and a quizzical look contorted the faces of the people I was petitioning. These were hard-working farmers, their wives and their kids, and they simply could not conceive of why I would want to do such a thing...they looked at me as if I was nuts. Nevertheless, they politely acquiesced to my unusual request to photograph myself with their prize-winning animals, and by the time I was through - the children were vying for me to take pics. with the animals belonging to them specifically, and some of the grown-ups were smiling...


(Snapped on 8/14/10)

One Saturday morning a friend of mine texted to say that he was going to the thrift store at the Old Chapel and did I want to join him. Of course I said, "YES!" because for one thing, I had no prior knowledge that Old Chapel even had a thrift store, but also - I am always on the hunt for inexpensive garb to wear in my pics.. 

I could not believe the massive load of treasures that I took home with me, and as I recall I spent only $5 - $3 of which was the change that I should've gotten back, but I just felt too guilty...and so I told the lady to keep it as a donation. It was fabulous! Not only had I scored major booty, but I also felt a bit philanthropic - double win!

Anyway, one of my purchases was a little girl's pinafore (size 5T, haha! Can you believe that?) and the minute I had it in my hot little hands, I began mentally putting the pieces together for a shoot that I could stage in my kids' playroom...

Doesn't it look like we keep it all neat and tidy? Well don't be fooled, because just behind where the camera sat on its table, was a mammoth pile of all the crap that had been right where the pictures were staged...


(Snapped on 8/15/10)

While shopping at Gabriel Brothers (yet another reliable haunt for finding really cool costumes for cheap) I happened upon a pair of leggings that I would never dare wear as part of a serious outfit - but they instantly brought to mind, "ZOMBIE SHOOT"! 

I pictured the decay and the wreckage of a junkyard to be the perfect backdrop for the theme, but when I called the only junkyard that I could find in the phonebook, and told them that I'm an artist and that I take photos of myself, and that I was hoping that they'd let me do my zombie thing at their place...there was this long pause...after which I endured a fairly rigorous Q&A session, which led to added confusion and ultimately an irritated, "NO!"...*bah*

All right, no problem - I knew just who to call. My secret source really delivered! He totally hooked me up with the most killer junkyard where I was granted run of the entire place for hours...I had an absolute blast climbing on and around the junk cars and splashing and stomping through muddy puddles. But the best part was that the people who worked there, were astonishingly pleasant to me...even going so far as to extend an open invitation for me to come back and shoot any time - yesssss!


(Snapped on 8/23/10)

DinosaurLand is a local attraction that is so old that it's practically prehistoric. I've always delighted in its cheesy mid-century kitsch, and my kids and I have messed around there, many times. 

I guess it wouldn't be too hard to imagine, that for me to wanna shoot there would be something of a no-brainer. And I reckon the only thing that held me up from actually doing so, was devoting the time to making my outfit. Turned out my little cave-girl ensemble was very easy to fashion, honestly the hardest part was scrounging around my back field for the bones that I needed to sew on the top and to use as an accessory in my hair.

Knowing that I'd have to run it by the manager, instead of waltzing in and acting like I own the place - I wore a shift over top of the revealing costume. I approached a woman behind the counter who turned out to be the owner, and gave her the lowdown about my slef-portraits. After punctuating my monologue with, "So, is it cool if I take some pictures with the dinosaurs?" she responded, "No thanks. I'm really not interested"

I was like, "Wait, wha? I'm not trying to sell you anything..." I dunno, she was obviously completely confused (maybe the bone in my hair threw her off? Who knows) but her way of handling it was to tell me (in so many words) to hit the road, take a hike, beat it - SCRAM! But when I assured her that it was my intention to pay the admission, she quipped in this sassy, smart-alecky tone, "Well. I guess if you pay to get in, I can't stop you from taking your pictures" Jeez, sorRY! She was way worse to deal with than those ole junkyard grumps on the phone...

The DinosaurLand pictures were much tougher to get than one might think just by lookin' at 'em. I mean for starters, I wasn't wearing undies, so every time the wind blew (and believe me - it blew!) all my girl stuff was fully exposed. AND since it is a "family" style destination, and there were kids and their parents swarming the goddamned place, I was constantly ducking and hiding and darting from one spot to the next...trying to be where no one else was. Just as soon as I was sure I'd have a minute to myself, another group of people would appear...grrrrr...

I had thought doing DinosaurLand would be a rollicking good time, but it wound up to be highly stressful...


(Snapped on 8/31/10)

The first week that my kids were back in school this fall, I dropped 'em off and drove over to the post office. On my way there, I glanced over at the fire station, and saw a cluster of 8 or 9 horrifically demolished cars. "Ooh, ooh! I wanna shoot THERE!" I thought. So I rang the bell by the fire station door and when the assistant Fire Chief appeared, I plead my case. Without hesitation he said, "Knock yourself out. Just be careful...Lotsa sharp edges" I was elated!

I already had plans for that day and so I asked, "Is it ok if I wait and shoot tomorrow?" He nodded "Yes".

The next morning after taking my kids to school, I stopped by my mechanic's shop (conveniently, right across the street from the fire station) and asked if I could borrow their BIGGEST wrench, and not only did they loan me that monster of a wrench, they let me use some old grease to smear on my face and gave me a red rag to dangle from my pocket..."You can't be a mechanic without one"...Love those guys!

Two days later, I realized just how lucky I was to have done the mechanic spoof with those irreparably damaged vehicles...cuz the lot where they once stood, was now empty...


(Snapped on 9/28/10)

When I found this kimono thingy at my favorite thrift store, I couldn't have been more delighted. I had filed it away in the back of mind, that someday I should take self-portraits amid the gorgeous Asian gardens on the grounds of a nearby historic landmark, but for some reason nothing had ever materialized...that is - until the thrift store find acted as a catalyst.

Once again, I asked permission, and once again I was interrogated like a detainee, about my specific intentions...good lord. But! I was given permission (after paying admission) to help myself to the gardens  for the sake of my pics....and fortunately no one ever caught me stepping over the caution tape and ignoring the "DO NOT ENTER" signs, which were meant to keep folks away from this irresistibly charming, little structure (I never could determine exactly why it was roped off)

The bummer about these pics. was that - I had worn a pair of my daughter's (very small) sweatpants since as usual, I was sportin' an unfurnished basement (cough) and when I peeled 'em off to get ready for the pictures, the derned elastic at the bottom had left deep grooves in my legs - a mistake I will not make again.


(Snapped on 10/16/10)

I drive past this fantastic, miniature house - nearly every single day of my life...And since I am perennially scouting out nifty locations, the tiny dwelling has spoken to me for awhile. It whispers, "I've got an idea - you be Red Riding Hood, and I'll be Grandma's house?" I habitually salivated over the thought of it, but was remiss about making the necessary arrangements...until...

...a few weeks ago! I was driving home from my daily visit to Sheetz, when I saw the dearest old man working on a tractor in the field on which the little house sits. I parked in the road and got out to ask how he felt about me taking pictures there sometime. Oh my god, he was the most adorable thing. I swear, I don't think he ever stopped smiling! Chuckling, he agreed that a Red Riding Hood theme would be pretty damn perfect...

Now you have to understand something, this house is in plain view of the northbound traffic that travels the two-lane highway close by. Like, if someone driving by had thrown a rock outta their window, chances are better than good it woulda hit me. I was well aware that folks could see me, but I banked on the fact that they would be moving so fast, that what I was doing (and wearing) would not fully register in their minds (hope, hope)

But then...a man pulled up right out front of the little house, blew the horn on his idling truck, and through his window I could see him motioning angrily as if to say, "HEY! What the hell are you doing?!"...uh oh...

I walked over, he rolled down his window and I explained that the older gentleman who owns the property had given me permission to be there. Mellowing out a bit he said, "Oh, that's my dad...he's 83" and then he said, "I drove past and saw you, and thought - "What is that crazy woman doing?!"" We both laughed as I assured him that I wasn't actually crazy...maybe just a teensy bit weird, that's all. 

I was happy that we worked it all out fairly quickly, because it was kind of awkward to be standing there so close...talking to him through the open window...wearing the outfit that I happened to be wearing...

I stopped by the little house again (just the other day) to put one of my Red Riding Hood photos (along with a "thank you" note) in the old man's mailbox as promised. But as luck would have it - he and his son were out working in the field, so I was able to give it to them in person...(they both seemed to really like the picture!)



Lately when people ask me what I'm gonna be for Halloween, I say, "Are you kidding me? I celebrate Halloween every week. I'm thinkin' I might sit it out"...

ONLY JOKING! Hell, me not doing Halloween would be like Charlie Sheen being faithful or staying sober...BLASPHEMY! Such things are simply not in our genetic make-up.

This year I'll celebrate Halloween as one of the characters featured in this post...but I'm not sayin' which one! So, if you wanna find out - you'll have to find me Saturday night, down in good ole Richmond, Va....K, ta ta...I'm out!  

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Morning After

WARNING! The images you are about to see ain't pretty
(Hey, it can't always be about the beauty shot...now can it?) 
Please proceed with caution...


(All pics. snapped on 10/26/10)

I have to admit - I did feel sorta badly about ending the last post on such a morbid note...For all I knew, you guys were sitting there at home, gnawing your nails, afraid I'd been roofied, brutally assaulted and left for, well...dead? And so to dispel any worries that you might've had about my welfare...I have returned to assure you that all is well.


See? What'd I tell ya'? Everything is perfectly fine. I came to in the morning, and although a leetle worse for the wear - it wasn't anything that a hot shower, some anti-bacterial soap, and a couple of Advil couldn't fix.


Ok so, you wanna know the truth? I didn't really crash here last night. Did I trick ya', huh huh? Even for a fraction of a second? The sad thing is, that not long ago - it very easily could've really happened...

I wonder if I'm the only one who looks at these pics., and am transported back in time - to the heyday of my old Big Ugly Blog (www.biguglytruck.blogspot.com)...I don't know about you guys, but I find them to be eerily reminiscent of that wildly reckless period when I repeatedly tempted fate, but somehow avoided danger and disaster despite an overabundance of bad choices in regards to men...oh so many men...

During that time, concerned friends would warn that if I didn't behave more responsibly, I might very well end up in a situation not that far removed from the one depicted in this photo essay...or god forbid - catastrophically worse. And yet every word that they uttered, fell on selectively deaf ears...But in looking back on it now, I couldn't agree with them more.

All I have to say is - thank goodness all of that nonsense is behind me. Somehow I escaped my impetuous period unscathed, and what a relief to be able to make light of it now...


Preparing for the dreaded walk-of-shame...

After downloading the pictures from the shoot the night before, I was seriously a smidgeon freaked out. I don't know if it was the content specifically, or if it was more a case of knowing that I had intentionally wallowed in that pile of revolting filth, in my attempt to get some thought-provoking shots...regardless - I didn't like the disquieting cliff-hanger ending to the story, and I resolved to shoot its conclusion the next morning...

Any time I leave the safety of my home to take pics., but especially during the wee hours of the night - I feel this combination of exhilaration and fear...and I dig it. But in the carport that night, I was more tremulous than usual - partly because I had no idea what I was literally getting myself into...like were there critters, or their remains, or sharp things, or was there...poo?

It wasn't until the sequel shoot, that the daylight revealed the true magnitude of disgustingness of the set...*cringe* I'm seriously not sure how I didn't slice the shit outta some, or many parts of my body - there were large chunks of broken glass throughout the sand and the other mysterious substances covering the floor. Not to mention, even after my scalding, soapy showers - I still felt like there were things crawling all over me...yoook! 

But what made the daytime shoot that much more uncomfortable, was that it was light out. Dude, I'm accustomed to that being a good thing. Problem was - the carport sits up close to the road, there were more cars than ever driving past, my lawnmower repair guy lives in the house right next door AND my boobs and ass were hangin' out! 

I did my best to stay focussed and ignore the unusual number of drivers, as well as the voices I heard coming from my lawnmower guy's yard...But I am not kidding, I was shaking the whole time! 

When possible, I try and only end a shoot after I feel that I've gotten a sufficient amount of decent frames, but I general won't quit until I like the last shot. Once that finally happened there in the carport, I think I've never been so relieved to be through. I totally lucked out too, cuz as I was putting on my jeans, I heard a truck engine turn over, next door...aaaaahhhh

I got myself and my stuff out onto the road and was walking towards home before the truck pulled out...

I smiled at the driver through my smeared lipstick and he waved, and as I watched him process the look I had going on - running eye make-up, burrs in my nappy hair, sand and crap on my face - I saw him do a double-take before driving away...I shudder to think what he'd have done, had he caught me posing for one of the pictures above...

But you know something? No matter how disgusting or sketchy or creepy or painful, the legwork behind gathering material for this blog could never be as messed up as what I went through for the old one…

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Freaks Come Out at Night

Felt like it took me forever to finally finish and post that last entry...but lemme tell ya' somethin' - the instant it was up and I had tweeted that it was, I indulged in a hankerin' to celebrate. It was nearly 11:30 at night, the air temp was uncannily warm, and I was all over the idea of staging a nighttime shoot...something I hadn't done in ages...


(Snapped on 8/06/10)

My first nighttime shoot, took place this past summer in the cemetery at my favorite - Old Chapel. Part of me was admittedly apprehensive about tromping around the cemetery at night, but surprisingly it had little to do with being scared about something supernatural occurring - I was more concerned about the chance that I might get hassled by the po-po. Best I could tell though, technically I wouldn't be trespassing since the gate at Old Chapel stays unlocked...

Along with my usual equipment I packed a flashlight, since I never use the flash on my camera and (obviously) the cemetery would be dark...and I have to say - I was pleasantly surprised by the dusty, grainy effect that the dim lighting bestowed upon these pics..

I shot for two hours straight, all the while absentmindedly wending my way to the farthest side of the graveyard. It wasn't until I had decided that I was done, broke character, and turned back into me - that I realized how far from my car I had wandered - and at that point I did get creeped out. I guess I had been concentrating so hard on the pics. that not only had I forgotten to worry about the possibility of getting in trouble, but until that moment I hadn't let the fact that I was in an ancient cemetery...completely alone...in the middle of the night - mess with my mind in the slightest. Once it had sunk in though, a wave of fear swept over me - yipes! I spastically collected my junk, hot-footed it across the seemingly endless sea of old graves, and made it safely to my car without incident...*phew*


(Snapped on 8/07/10)

The next night I took a break from editing the Old Chapel pics. (as well as the spoils from two other shoots that day) to top off an already productive 24 hours by staging an impromptu paparazzi thing in my driveway. Had I known in advance that my cute, little car would spend the evening as the best supporting actress in these pics. - I'd have given her a bath beforehand, but ah well...

This night I took advantage of having access to a power source - using a clamp lamp instead of the flashlight. And in order to shoot from an angle more accurately mimicking that of a paparazzo, I set the camera on a ladder rather than my trusty thrift store table. 


(Snapped on 8/11/10)

Although the quality of the photo above clearly sucks, the story behind it bears mentioning... 

This summer I had the pleasure of being body-painted (a first for me) and not by just any ole jackleg artist - but by lauded body-painter Brady Neher (featured in the October 2010 issue of Illusions Magazine!) We got started early in the day, in the hopes that we'd be done in enough time for me to display Brady's handiwork that night at the local county fair.

After 8 hours of painting my totally naked body (see below) Brady then spent an additional hour and a half - painting over the pasties and thong which we intentionally omitted for the first set of pics., but which were paramount in (hopefully) keeping me from getting arrested for indecent exposure at the fair... 

I threw on a little tank dress knowing that I'd have to walk a good distance from the parking lot back to where the rides were set up, and I was nervous about marching through the hordes of strangers wearing nothing but paint, pasties and a thong...especially since I was all by myself...

Fortunately, it's a short drive from my house to the fairgrounds, because it was hot as a muthah and the a.c. in my car doesn't work. But I managed to arrive, park and disembark before I started sweating through Brady's brilliant masterpiece. 

To say that I was dealing with a tough crowd that night, would definitely be an understatement. I mean think about it - it was tractor-pull night at the Clarke County Fair - a veritable mecca for grade A, small-minded rednecks (did I just say that?!), they literally had no clue what to make of me. And it wasn't just funny looks they were giving me, folks were most forthcoming with their derogatory remarks. But I just smiled and continued blazing a trail to the spot where I'd planned on taking my pictures...all the while wondering if I was gonna get my ass kicked in the parking lot on the way back to my car, later on...

I set up my table and camera, waited for the Sheriff's deputies to pass (I've never seen so many cops in one place in my life!) slipped outta the little dress, set the timer and raced over to get into frame...

After the picture was snapped, I went back to my camera to examine the photo and I hated it. I reset the timer, all set to try again - when suddenly the most tragic thing happened! One of the pasties fell off, landing sticky-side-down in the gravel...oh NO!... 

Knowing that I'd never get the now crusty pasty to stick, and that I couldn't pose for my photos without it - I was crushed to have to call it a night. As I put my dress back on and glumly packed up to leave, one of the ride operators motioned for me to come over. I explained what I'd been doing and why I'd quit so abruptly and he high-fived me for attempting it at all, it was nice...

I returned to the fairgrounds the next afternoon, during that quiet time before the rides are running, and the only folks there are some farmers, their kids and their livestock, along with a handful of carnival workers. I was dressed like a beauty pageant winner in a floor length gown wearing a tiara and tons of whorish make-up and so needless to say, I stood out...yet again. 

The very first person with whom I spoke (the guy who told me where to park) noticed my interesting attire and when I told him I was gonna take pics. of myself with the farm animals, he enthusiastically asked, "Wait, you're not the painted lady...are you?!" as did several more people before I left, I was ecstatic! I had been so disappointed that after all of Brady's hard work, I had failed to properly photograph myself causing the scene that I'd imagined. But learning firsthand that even a few people had heard about and in some cases even seen the "painted lady", and thought that what "she'd" done was badass...convinced me that none of the effort was for naught...


(Snapped on 8/11/10)


(Snapped on 8/12/10)

The dead-in-the-road pics. happened on a summer night, after it rained for the first time in weeks. As soon as the rain had quit, this lovely steamy mist hovered over the road out front of my house and I couldn't help but think that in conjunction with my car's headlights - it would make for a pretty spooky scene. 

Obviously, I didn't devote a whole lot of time in deliberating over the components of some complicated costume. I stripped down naked, stuck a headband in my hair, drew dark lines around my eyes, parked my car at the end of my driveway facing the road, illuminated the roadway using the headlamps - and in no time I became fresh roadkill...over and over again...

Whenever a motorist approached, I simply hopped in my car, turned off the lights and ducked down til the vehicle passed...easy peezy... 


(Snapped on 10/24/10)

Last weekend, in honor of the Halloween season - my kids and I and a couple of friends, piled into my car late at night, and drove to a purportedly haunted town in West Virginia...our mission - to scare up some spirits (or vice versa). Never one to pass on an opportunity to photograph myself whenever a unique opportunity arises, I warned everyone in advance that I was coming prepared (with costume and camera) and would likely be snapping self-portraits.  

Thank you so much - to my friend (the other adult on the excursion) who kept all 4 kids occupied out front of the old jail, patiently listening for the moans of long since dead prisoners - while simultaneously affording me the luxury of pretending to be a ghost, myself...

'Twas a truly excellent way to cap off an already stellar night...


(Snapped on 10/26/10)

Which brings us to my most recent nighttime photo shoot...the one following my blog post the other night...

Just up the road from my place, is an abandoned house with a car port overflowing with trash and debris and god alone knows what else. I've been wanting to do some kind of shoot there for awhile now, but until the other night - I knew not what.

I put on a sparkly little party dress and my jeans and a jacket over top, so that I would look less conspicuous if someone happened to drive by me on my midnight jaunt to the site (no one did). Once there, I removed everything but the dress and added a boot to one foot...and with only the flashlight providing minimal light, I got...my...self...down...in...that...mess...

Monday, October 25, 2010

How's it Hangin', Haters?


(Snapped on 10/17/10)

Do any of you guys find anything particularly outrageous about the outfit that I'm wearing in the photos on this post? (For godssakes - at least I'm wearing clothing this time) Ok, well how 'bout what I'm doing in the photos - you see anything wrong with that? Right. I didn't think so either. So could someone please tell me then, why folks were so visibly flipped out by watching me innocently photographing myself on the "dance floor" and elsewhere around the grounds of the spectacular estate where our annual Balloon Festival was recently held? I mean seriously...is what I do really all that bizarre or even such a difficult concept to grasp? One guy actually shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and shot me a nasty look as if to say, "Aight, ya' dumb bitch...suitcherself" when I responded to his offer to take the picture for me with, "No thanks. I'm doing "dash" photography, the whole point is to snap the pictures myself"

Or could it be that most people really are that uptight......I am inclined to vote for the latter...


(Snapped on 10/17/10)

Ok...so in all fairness, not everyone was a total grouch about me publicly fulfilling my right to artistic expression. One lady came up to me and said she'd been watching me for awhile and that she thought what I was doing was cool. And after explaining the whole 10 sec. timer thing to two teenage girls who approached me and timidly asked what the deal was, they were so fascinated that they followed me everywhere I went, until my battery died and I left...it was cute. Plus look - I did get that one lady to smile (see above) But still...check out the elk there in the background. I swear he seems downright pissed off! His expression and body language were def more in line with the disapproving looks that my behavior generated from most onlookers. It's so funny to me that even a guy in a goofy elk costume could feel justified in exhibiting his obvious objection to my harmless antics...


(Snapped on 10/17/10)

But that's all right, cuz I exacted my revenge when I set up my cam and took pics. of myself dancing in front of him...(wait...is he giving me the finger?!)


Anyway, my intention here is not to bitch and moan about being some embittered, misunderstood "artist" - quite the contrary. The purpose of this entry in its purest form - is to show off these pictures that I thought didn't turn out half badly - thank you scenic Long Branch and you too - beautiful, deep blue sky! But while I'm here, I'd also like to thank my haters...

A Twitter friend quoted his pastor the other day when he tweeted, "Send your haters a Thank You card" and the instant I read it, I latched on to the idea. 

It's been my experience with haters, that 9 times out of 10 the most vicious ones are people who know me in real life (although sometimes only vaguely) and by and large I find them to be reprehensible cowards. I'll skip the part about how so many of my haters also happen to be women who would have everyone believe that they are pious, Christian do-gooders (gag). Don't get me wrong, I do know that there are good Christians out there (my dear Twitter friend for example) but these women are not that. The biggest bullies I've encountered in my adult life without exception, are "ladies" who wear their religion on their sleeves...and after getting a whiff of my alternative lifestyle, treat me as if I'm Hester Prynne's kid sister...with leprosy. But wait - before I stoop to their level by going off on some wicked tangent, I shall instead hold my tongue in regards to that subject... 

Ok so, break the whole cowardly haters thing down even further and you'll discover that there are several common methods that your acquaintances will typically implement when hatin' on you. At the Balloon Festival, I got a taste of the one where a person acts like they're your good buddy to your face, but later on you catch 'em staring you down, snickering and whispering behind a cupped hand into the ear of another colleague. Admirable...very 6th grade...

Lately though the trend seems to be more of an unwarranted cold shoulder, from people who used to be perfectly polite, even friendly towards me - and to whom I have never personally committed any infraction. I find it very interesting that what I do in my personal life deems me worthy of unmitigated passive aggression. The buzz about my photo blog is so much more negative and epidemic than the comparatively lenient backlash I withstood in regards to my old blog...which absolutely blows my mind. Cuz if you ask me, this blog is light and fun and I've always hoped it would convey a positive message about having the confidence to pursue an artistic inclination (no matter how unorthodox, obscure, or obscene?) as well as celebrate the human body and all of the cool things that it can be capable of doing...but evidently either I've missed my mark, or many have completely missed the point.

I know that I probably sound uber-paranoid, but my kids even notice the succession of slights, after which they comment...completely unprompted.

There's another form of silent treatment that's really odd to me, although I'm not totally convinced that it places the aggressor under the umbrella heading of "hater". Let's just say though, that it in no way has me "feeling the love"...

Ever since I got my photo blog up and running, conversation in general on Facebook, has become conspicuously suspended. And I'm not just talking about a lack of input good or bad, from my FB "friends" (most of whom have known me for ages) in regards to the posts on The Big Ugly. By now I've gotten rather used to posting entries into a virtual vacuum...What I'm talking about is more of an uncomfortable, inexplicable echo syndrome which chronically follows my unacknowledged attempts at simple small-talk. Sorta like, "HELLO...hello...hello..." For instance - there've been a few times recently, when I wrote on the walls of or sent messages to people with whom I considered myself to be friendly, maybe not super tight friends, but friendly just the same...and I get nothing...no response at all. The same goes for new FB friends who may already know me but who've only recently friended me. I accept their friend requests and may write to thank them and say "HI"...and what do I get? Absolute silence. Like, what tha freak you guys? You're gonna friend me, but you're not gonna talk to me...righteous. I would actually prefer them to tell me to "Go to hell" than to leave me dangling the way that they do... 

To my FB friends who blatantly ignore me I suggest, if there's something I've done that makes you never want to talk to me, then why don't you simply un-friend me? I've grown to expect being shunned by the Bible-thumpers, but by my "progressive" pals from the past? Preposterous...


(Snapped on 10/17/10)

Now...this is the part in the story where the metaphorical beams of light break through the ominous, black clouds. I'm talkin' about the few, the proud, the brave - who consistently remind me that they do appreciate this endeavor about which I've become so passionate...and even go so far as to set the record straight to the growing contingent of Big Ugly nay-sayers who formulate their opinions of me - on hearsay, instead of seeing for themselves what my site is all about...and for that I am infinitely grateful. The input of even a couple of good peeps, really does negate the animosity (silent or otherwise) of the meddlesome "moral" majority…in my mind, at least. 

To my haters I extend my sincerest "Thank You". You don't frighten me and I'm not gonna change just for you (if anything, I'm gonna get worse). Oh and I'll keep on truckin' if you'll keep on spreadin' the word. Your slander is my free advertising...Halleluiah, Hosanna and AMEN!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Another Boring Day at the Office


(Snapped on 10/11/10)

Unlike this Monday, last Monday was devoted entirely to takin' a ton of pics.. It was warm out and sunny, I had what I thought were a few clever ideas in mind (all of which could be tidily staged within the confines of a tiny nearby town) and so, bright and early that morning, I gathered the stuff that I needed for three of the four very different shoots, piled everything into my little car, dropped my kids off at school, and drove a whopping 5 minutes to the veritable gold mine of glorious settings in which to stage the day's pics.. 

I'd kind of imagined having the sleepy, little hamlet all to myself (Mondays are usually dead around there) but lord have mercy - I could not believe the unrelenting flow of car traffic passing the antiques store, out front of which I was busily channelling my inner gypsy. It was more that I was surprised than that I cared about so many folks slowly creeping past, craning their necks to try and make sense of my queer behavior (you know how much I love it when people watch!) But after this super grungy redneck parked his truck mere feet from my camera, got out and made the executive decision to stand there and watch me....I suddenly found myself wondering, "Hey! Where'd everybody GO?!" Literally the instant the scuzzball helped himself to my shoot, it felt like we were the only two humans on the planet...me no likey.

His rude intrusion made me terribly uncomfortable and I could feel my poses becoming more awkward and reticent with each shot (well, can you imagine?) The guy was totally crampin' my style and when it occurred to me that I was wasting way too much time snapping half-assed photos, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I was finished and to have a nice day and I carried my things over to my car. 

As soon as he was out of sight though, I went back to the antiques store, got into character and took at least a few pictures that were more to my liking...


(Snapped on 10/11/10)

Next stop? The gourmet grocery across the street...

I'd been wanting to do a kitschy shoplifting series, hoping for something silly to post on the future STORE page on my blog. After the owner of the market kindly allowed me to have free reign to do (with in reason) whatever I wanted - I finally saw that concept come to fruition...But only after taking roughly 75 photos with very little variation in my positioning. Why so many? Because if I didn't get myself in just the right spot, that stupid air conditioning vent took on the appearance of an unfortunate hat adornment, or like it had been hurled at and had lodged in my face or my neck...awesome... 


(Snapped on 10/11/10)

Does this outfit make my boob look fake?

(on second thought...don't answer that)

Before the fire extinguisher salesman arrived and my camera battery petered out, I was able to capture about a half-dozen naked(ish) chef shots in the kitchen. I gotta give props to those wonderful women who work back there. Not once did they ever give me any reason to worry that my self-indulgent shenanigans were impeding their productivity. When in all actuality, I was undeniably underfoot...(Thanks, ladies!) 


(Snapped on 10/11/10)

I went home to download the pics. that I'd taken so far, while I waited for my camera battery to charge, and simultaneously I tweaked the deets of the day's final shoot. I hadn't challenged myself physically since that 2nd set of bridge pics., and so was way overdue for a shoot where my body in motion was the focus...not costume or backdrop or theme. 

The kids and I had walked past this old school playground a couple of weeks earlier, and upon seeing it I immediately got the idea to do that backflip off a swing trick thingy...do you guys know that one? If you don't, it's a little tough to explain...and sadly, it was also nearly impossible to photograph effectively. I never bargained that something that I was sure would be a cinch - would wind up frustrating me as much as this did. Like seriously, how in the world could swinging prove to be more difficult than say - the windmill deal? 

The few times that I did manage to capture myself mid-flip, I was entirely unimpressed with the results. Even from the side angle, it really looked no better...


(Snapped on 10/11/10)

...and so this became the obvious default...*snore*...Love how the slide looks! But that's pretty much it...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Ever-Elusive Happy Medium...


(Snapped on 6/28/10)

Now THAT'S what I call a "HO' Down"!

Hey, real quick - I gotta drop a Big Ugly "THANKS!" to all of you out there who so graciously interrupt what you're doing at the time, to stop by and check out my blog. My gratitude is boundless - honest and true, it is! And after yesterday's post (which I was certain would disappoint) I was not only blown away by the bevy of positive remarks, but was also (I felt) exonerated - by my viewers/readers - from feeling guilty for deviating from my norm (whatever that is)...You guys are the best, I really mean it... 

That being said, a promise is a promise...and so to follow through with my pledge to make it up to (at least some of) you, for publishing yesterday's goody-goody(ish) post, and to antagonize my adversaries as I'd threatened, but also to set foot (for the first time in months) on my old stompin' grounds of Twitter's #HNT - this little snippet features nuttin' but shameless, hardcore soft-porn (lotta boobie action in this one folks...brace yourselves). 

Don't get me wrong, although this post started out to be entirely about in-your-face tit pics., presented as a peace offering, or shock value, or even my long-overdue observance of #HNT, in collecting these photos I came to an accidental conclusion. And without further ado - let's draw that conclusion, shall we? 

I thumbed through my vast collection of hundreds of self-portraits, in search of photos that were (to put it bluntly) more about the female form and the ensuing sexually-driven response, than something experimental, artsy and thought-provoking (like yesterday's pics. presumably were), and I was startled by just how deep I had to dig, in order to find photos which met my triumvirate of needs for this post. I dunno...I guess I just don't snap pics. like these very much anymore. Could be because I do most of my shoots in public these days, but also as mentioned in yesterday's post - I have been on a bit of a story-telling bent, and if memory serves me - that was not at all the impetus behind the pics. that I gathered from the kitty for this post. 

After a bit of cogitation, I deduced that despite their general purpose of being primarily about showing some skin - these pictures still spanned the spectrum that I sought to illustrate. And the photo up top, effortlessly took its place firmly at one end, earning its spot as the image begot from the least amount of thought, preparation or effort. The only notable detail was that I'd just days before, broken my right fibula at the knee - so the dagblasted thing really freakin' hurt! But whatever, I still consider it to be the product of one of my most cliche shoots to date - resting on nothing other than stereotypical pin-up laurels. Matter of fact - I've posted it another time as my #HNT (apologies to those who've already seen it) 


(Snapped on 8/07/10)

The photo above was also snapped with #HNT in mind, but at the time I found it too corny...or goofy...or just plain weird. I never even thought about it much before today...but it was the one which best typified the opposite extreme. Sorta like - nice try dude, but just a leeetle too far out there.


(Snapped on 7/18/10)

Now this one, on the other hand, is to me - the clear winner of the trio. It is a reasonable balance of sexy and creative and might even cause the viewer to conjure a story. 

Breaking all of this down to reach the big conclusion, I suggest that yesterday's post is akin to the unusual antler pic. (a divergence from what my viewers may have come to expect) and today's entry is clearly an example of how dull too much of any one thing can be (a la the "seen it before", redundant woodpile pic.) Which leads me to my new objective - of striving to find an engaging happy medium...enabling me to somehow keep us all entertained.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Yeah, Yeah - I Know...I'm Not NEARLY Naked Enough


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

Soooo...can you find me in this photo?


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

This pic. just kinda confirms my suspicion that church is warped


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

There are many variables that determine the eventual outcome of my self-portrait photo shoots, and more times than not - after a respectable amount of planning - the end results prove to be nothing like what I'd envisioned. This past week's shoot however, was not the outcome of an intensive preparation period, but rather the product of an urgent necessity to end up with even just a few pics., before I plumb ran out of time. And although the concept was simple - the intended message was somehow still lost in translation...

I've gotten kinda conditioned to set Mondays aside, as my one guaranteed day during the week to take pics., but with my kids back in school now, I can make most any weekday work. Bearing that in mind, I skipped the self-portraits and devoted all of last Monday to staying put, at my desk. Nose to the grindstone, I made headway on a new blog entry and put the finishing touches on my Big Ugly calendar, so I could get that sucker ordered and in my possession sometime before 2011.

Then on Tuesday, I woke up with a different itch to scratch. I hopped in my little car and buzzed here and there, to carelessly wile away the day feeding my more recent addiction to panorama photography (I couldn't resist including a few faves from the excursion - d'you see 'em up there, huh?...Hey, wake up! They're not that bloody boring......or are they...)

All the fun came to an abrupt halt though, when I was reminded during a phone call from my ex, that my one daughter did not have school on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday *brainfart* I was delighted that she would be at home here with me, but lest a whole week go by with nary a single self-portrait, I'd better make something happen - like pronto! 

Where to shoot? What to wear? I was at a complete loss. I ducked into the nearest (and my new favorite thrift store) in the hopes of finding a $5 treasure to tell me what to do. Indeed I did not leave empty-handed.



(Snapped on 10/05/10)

As soon as I came across the vintage 1960-70's era, floor length, Loretta Lynn-like monstrosity - I saw something evocative of this sort of young, wanton, poor-white-trash seductress...from say 1971? I know -  the dress is hideous...the very antithesis of sexy, m'I right? But I liked it, for several different reasons. First off, it was a chilly day, and the long sleeves although not likely to make me look hot, might keep me from getting too cold (I'm a wimp, you know that). Also, I figured I could eke out a smidgeon of sex appeal, if my boobs worked a little magic from underneath the unlined lace top. Here's the other thing though - I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but sometimes I find myself forfeiting the sex kitten bit (much to some readers' chagrin, I've no doubt) to try and tell a story instead. I'm sorry, but it's fun and keeps things interesting for me

Ok, so I'd chosen my costume, which in turn had triggered an idea...the final item to scratch off the list was the setting. 

I drive past this decrepit, abandoned house all the time, which had made it become virtually invisible to me. But after taking pics. next door to it, a few weeks ago - I immediately placed it under the heading of "good fall-back locations". 

Knowing that the owner lives out of town, I figured that I'd be fine to sneak in a few photos without getting caught...barring some busybody tattling to the cops. By the time I parked and unloaded my junk, it was nearly 3:30 in the afternoon. I still had plenty of time to work, and the sun's position was more favorable than it would've been in the morning or midday...plus - an added bonus was - the school that my kids attend (2 minutes up the road) would be dismissing soon, which meant I could count on plenty of disapproving glances from the moms driving by, and lord knows that I feed off an audience. 


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

Imma be honest, the '70's seductress schtick could not have been more of a flop. What I wound up with was either "Bonanza"-era ante-bellum, or the above nod to a brooding, brunette Gidget... 


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

No way I'd be content to stick just my butt through the busted window - I could not possibly leave before trespassing to the max...


(Snapped on 10/05/10)

Mais quel horreur! You wanna talk about creeeeepy...*shiver* There were chunks of fallen plaster and bits of broken glass scattered across the moist and rotting floor. Numb from the cold, I worried that I wouldn't even feel it if a sliver of glass penetrated my bare feet. The compromised floor seemed to strain under my weight in certain spots, and a heavy, damp pall filled me with foreboding and dread. Needless to say, I did not stay insida there for long...



Aside from feeling guilty about potentially disappointing those of my wonderful readers out there who feel they are way overdue for a heapin' helpin' of T & A, I also hate to think that I may be pandering to the growing number of Big Ugly haters - by posting this selection of prim and proper-ish pics....

Next time though, I promise I'll do my best - to reward you FAB peeps who consistently nurture and encourage me...and to (hopefully) further infuriate my detractors... 

Friday, October 8, 2010

Physically Challenged


(Snapped on 7/18/10)

Right soooo...while digesting all that had happened over the course of my breakthrough morning at Old Chapel, I experienced a minor epiphany. It dawned on me that I might could do more with my pics. than simply pigeonhole them as cheesecake-exclusive. Although I knew it would behoove me to maintain some element of smut (to spare my viewers from the dreaded "ho-hum" syndrome) I was eager to raise the bar for myself by summoning physical attributes which lately I'd let go kinda dormant: agility, nimbleness and strength. The idea of marrying a more physical facet to my sexually-infused standard fare - did have a nice sort of ring to it...

It also now seemed to be somewhat imperative that I address the whole "what to wear" issue. Back when my photo shoots took place in and around my house only, I enjoyed the luxury of being as naked as I pleased. But in venturing out into the real world to shoot, I'd have to choose clothing that was at once - sexy, functional and appropriate for public consumption...Hmmm...things were getting complicated, and required more thought...and I was diggin' having to coordinate it all.

Following the cemetery shoot, I had a couple of hours until I had to cease with the nonsense, and go back to being a mom. And 2 hours, I reasoned - was more than ample time - to begin delving into my growing wish list of possible "10 second stunts". 

I made a pit stop at home after leaving Old Chapel, at which time I called a friend who lives nearby on this fabulous farm - rife with tractors and horses and old buildings and fences - to see if she'd be so kind as to let me to shoot there last minute...Luckily, she did not have a problem with me taking pics. at her place (of myself in varying states of undress). It worked out especially well, since she and her family had made plans to be gone for the day. 

Nice! I had inadvertently put off having to worry too much, about the necessity to cover up (this time, at least). I stuck with the status quo - and gathered a melange of skimpy clothes along with props, and sundry items - after which I didn't tarry and beat feet up the street to the farm to get started.

I ended up staging, I dunno - five different scenarios? Wearing everything from my birthday suit, to the maximum allowable coverage - per #HNT criteria and the blistering heat...(as exemplified in the outfit above)

The umbrella pics., were the result of my second, more successful (although not nearly as successful as I would've liked it to have been) stab at implied tightrope-waking. When I'd tried the time before (on my studio porch railing) I took an impressive spill on my first (and only) attempt, and consequently tabled the concept...until the traumatic incident was well behind me. 

This umbrella shoot was tough for obvious reasons, plus it was hotter'n hell and my injured knee killed but - I remember feeling like it had been totally worth it, when I got what I believed was a really cool shot. 

Tragically though, when I downloaded the pics. - I realized that the exposure had come out all wrong...bummer. Honestly, I have yet to effectively tweak any in this series, to the point where they don't make me feel sorta queasy...I'm ok with the composition of these pics. (for the most part) but there's something about their color and texture that does funny things to my tummy...


(Snapped on 7/29/10)

When I got the idea to "freeze frame" a dive, I knew it would have to be at a pool other than the one where I have a membership, since there isn't a diving board at our club. I called my ex and asked if he'd be cool with me taking the kids to the country club where he's a member (and there's a diving board) promising to sign in as the "nanny" so he wouldn't have to pay a guest fee...and he was like, "Yeah, whatever - that's fine"...YIP!

Standing in line waiting for my turn on the diving board, I mulled over my options and came up with a game plan...I asked my kids and a few of their friends - to hold my spot so I could go to my camera, set the timer, click the button, scurry back, reclaim my place in line, dash to the end of the board, count down the remaining warning beeps and then do whatever dive I was trying at the time.  

The kids' roles in this gig was indispensable, I literally could not have done it without them...but on my end, my God...I thought I might NEVER get the timing right! I consistently jumped either too late or too soon...grrrrr...It seemed impossible to catch myself at the crux of the dive. Not to mention, all those random other kids who kept getting in line, were totally grinding my gears! Couldn't they see I was doing something important? Jeez...the nerve of them trying to have some fun... 

Anyway, after like 30 attempts, negligible results, and a few expletives issued forth Tourette's style, some mom who'd seen me struggling - offered to help. She asked, "Do you just want me to take the picture?" I said, "No, you're so nice - but I can't have any help...it's a personal challenge to get my pictures myself...thanks though, I appreciate the offer" 

I've heard from a friend that my antics that day, ruffled the feathers of some of the gossipy hens by the pool...and I have to say - if getting a picture like the one directly above - comes with a price-tag of bored housewives clucking? That's a mighty small price, and I'm definitely willing to pay it...


(Snapped on 8/17/10)

For whatever reason, getting an imminent belly-flop on "film", was not nearly as difficult as freezing a backflip in time. I had to race halfway around the pool and launch myself towards the water, only two or three times before ending up with this goofy pic.. Yeah, it ain't pretty - but it was satisfactory enough for me to feel good about calling it quits...which was a huge relief, because unlike backflips - belly-flops actually hurt...


Oh the Paddy pics....*sigh*...this is still one of my favorite shoots to date...

A friend of mine "J" - remarked on my 10 sec. timer album on Facebook one day, and at the end of her message she said something to the effect of, "If you ever want to take pictures with a horse, let me know!" I responded immediately and we made plans to do a shoot, the very next week.

Enter dear, sweet, gentle giant Paddy - J's beloved fox hunting horse...

As I'm sure you can imagine, this was a terribly tricky shoot (think - 1000 lb. animal with a mind of his own, morbidly afraid of horse flies, stumbling through a riverbed lined with booby traps, and tempted by a big box of treats on the shore) I won't even go into the details of how I got from the camera, to up on Paddy's back in 10 seconds - what I will say is this - that despite snapping the fewest pics. ever in a shoot, the ratio of good over bad was astounding. (Not to mention, I had such a BLAST!)

Because I was "borrowing" a prized, respected, and dearly loved animal - it was entirely necessary that I have help with this shoot, not just to ensure my own safety, but to monitor Paddy's welfare, as well. The clear choice as official "animal handler", was J - the human who knows Paddy best. J brought a friend along (not knowing how many hands we might need) and like J, she was an absolute peach. Both women quickly picked up on, and honored my unyielding refusal to let them do anything with my camera...Despite my obstinance (and all things considered) this shoot went as smoothly as any of us ever could've dreamed - particularly when taking into account the level of difficulty and the component of unpredictability...

While choosing the photo which would accompany the Paddy portion of the post, I came across a video clip that I'd unintentionally shot that day, after accidentally setting the cam to video mode...oops...

I included it to demonstrate how physically demanding and grueling - this whole endeavor was on, not me so much, but on my friend J! The whole shoot was a learning curve, and as we experimented with different methods of keeping Paddy stationary until I could mount and get into pose, J was repeatedly dunked and nearly trampled, while I paraded around the like some sort of princess...(Sorry...and THANKS, J! I owe ya' BIG!)


(Snapped on 8/02/10)

There are three photos outta the whole lot that I really really like...and this ^ photo tops the list as one of my favorites...ever...It totally belies all the chaos that took place - before, whilst and after the shutter clicked...


(Snapped on 9/21/10)

The photo above, is the product of a second day of hurling myself off of this bridge. After the first shoot, I could not believe how flogged my body was...I could barely even walk the next day. But besides my legs being sore, my back had never been that stiff before. I had no idea how out of shape I had gotten, nor how physically demanding it is to jump off of a bridge and land down below, what - 30 or 40 times in a row? And after all that, I was rewarded with a crappy bunch of pictures (see example below).



I liked the premise however, and decided to give it another go. The second time though, I placed the camera down below (rather than up on the bridge where it had previously been) and the difference was remarkable. I much preferred the ominous denouement achieved from positioning the camera at that vantage point.

Seems bridge-jumping might be a legitimate form of conditioning, cuz I didn't ache at all after the second shoot. But I'll tell you what does ache - my brain - that's what...I had no intention of writing this much about these pics....