(All pics. snapped on 8/05/11)
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but when it comes to adversity - I feel that I am inching ever closer to mastering the art of rolling with the punches.
Over the course of these last few years that I've spent candidly blogging about my personal life, and my self-portraits - I have gradually learned to embrace being a scandal in the eyes of so many people here in my community. Also, the fact that I have nearly zero interaction with anyone in my immediate family anymore (save my own offspring), literally does nothing to phase me in the slightest.
It may sound strange, but I'm perfectly content to assume the role as black sheep of my family and an outcast of local society. I don't flinch anymore, when I hear secondhand - that (once again) I was the target of ridicule at a cocktail party to which I was of course, not invited...thanks entirely to the thick skin that ensconces me like ironclad armor.
I'm proud to say that I'm even learning how to cope with my grim fiscal picture. Like seriously? If you guys had only just an inkling of how financially screwed I am - you'd likely be stricken with a wicked case of heartburn. But, rather than let any of it eat away at me - I've chosen to adopt the mindset that thinking negatively about such issues can do nothing to resolve them. And although because of this, I could easily be accused of peering at my life from behind a pair of rose-colored glasses - staying upbeat and positive and sincerely believing that soon everything simply has to get better - makes it a helluva lot easier to get through most days.
There is however, one area to which I am still unable to apply these Pollyanna-esque tactics - and that my sweet peeps - is in regards to matters of the heart. The blithe, laissez-faire attitude, and all the tough girl resilience goes right out window - whenever things get wonky between myself and a love interest.
Case in point - last week (for some unknown reason) "my date" seemed hellbent on putting me through my paces...and for four agonizing days and nights, it felt as if there was a noxious tire fire smoldering in my gut. I wanted to eat nothing, but knew that I needed to - and so I did manage to choke down a few tablespoons of peanut butter. Thank goodness I had work to take my mind off of my misery for a few measly hours each day, but for the remainder - all I could do was worry...and stew...and sulk.
I don't know about you guys, but if ever I get into a funk - I become virtually immobile and practically useless. Gone is the motivation to do anything other than muddle through each tediously long day, and ride out the seemingly endless, sleepless nights. By last Friday, I was on my fourth consecutive day of that shit, and because of it - I had become utterly disconsolate. Exacerbating the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and desolation, my kids left with their dad for a week-long vacation...
There have been numerous times in the recent past, when self-portraiture has proven to be a very effective means by which to tap into those unpleasant emotions, while simultaneously killing what would've otherwise turned into sedentary, melancholy hours. Friday evening, I was not only aware of the fact that the time had drawn nigh to snap some new pics., but also - that doing so might just lift my spirits. And so with nary a plan for what to do when I got there, I galumphed with my gear up the road to a corn field, in the hopes that I might lose myself in my art for a spell.
Over the first of the two hours that I spent snapping pics., I was admittedly glad to be busy - but discouraged that I still felt so sad. I worked with about as much energy as a corpse, and was only shaken from my catatonia when a pair of enormous male deer scared the Bejesus outta me, by thundering through the corn field, and straight through my shoot - it was crazy! Umpteen acres that they had to traverse, and somehow those bucks found me like a needle in a haystack.
I stood there for a minute, waiting for the surprise adrenaline rush to subside - and once my hands had stopped trembling, I went back to work.
By the time it got too dark to continue shooting anymore, I realized that I'd become so immersed in taking my pics., that I had managed to forget all my woes...but when my phone rang and I saw that it was "my date" on the line - it was time to face reality once again.
I really have no way of knowing for sure, how things will end up between me and "my date", especially since my losing record with men has me (almost) convinced that I'm cursed in the relationship department. But there is one thing that I do know for certain - when all else fails, self-portraiture will come to my rescue.
i have vague memories of that gut-wrenching, can't-get-outta-bed, moleasses-encrusted morass that comes with misfiring matters of the heart. which is why i armoured up a few years back, and wrote off prospects of romantic love. my life improved in many ways... but there's a big ol' hole where my heart used to be...ReplyDelete
this series of photos, along with your tale, is mesmerizing. i can see the demons you were exorsizing. the photo of you in mid-air tells me that you beat them this time...
@daisyfae - I'm not gonna lie...your comment brought me to tears...still crying in fact.ReplyDelete
But thank you, and I really do mean that. I havta say that honestly? I'm not exactly sure where I am at the moment...I'm ashamed to say that I myself may have been defeated, yet again...
you may have lost a battle, but not the war. go take more self portraits. the heat is breaking, and maybe a fresh breeze will help...ReplyDelete
@daisyfae - that's exactly what I intend to do. The weather here is fanTAStic today - so yep...just being outside is bound to help. Thanks again, daisyfae - you're a real peach :)ReplyDelete
I can understand the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed angst. I struggled with it for months and almost considered counseling but luckily some things in my life kicked in, and consequently kicked me out of my funk.ReplyDelete
Keep your head up, we're rooting for you :)
@Question - Aw...you sweet thing, you - Thanks so much for the encouragement!ReplyDelete
Something I've always heard, but am just now starting to realize for myself, is that sometimes things have to get really, REALLY bad...like absolutely the WORST - before we can begin to appreciate all the good that there truly is in our lives...and if we're lucky, that teensy glimmer of hope that things will in fact turn out ok - just might snowball. My experience has been, that positive thinking is like a magnet for positive results - like as soon as I make a conscious effort to quit with all the belly-aching, and try to make a concerted effort to be optimistic - voila! Suddenly life ain't all that horrible, anymore...
Thanks again for your kindness!
I have 2 things to say....ReplyDelete
1. Just because relationships have gone wrong in the past does not mean you should write yourself off, how many photo shots go wrong? Does that mean you give up, maybe for the evening yes, but not for good, because you know that in the right setting, with the right attitude and the right equipment you can achieve something special...you just need to find those things in the right person.
2. As for the cocktail parties and gossip, remember one very important thing....they are ALL green with envy but their only way to deal with it, is to mock etc, when really they would love to be as bold and brave as you.
@Molly - In reference to your first point - I totally agree. And I am happy to say that I'm in no way giving up on my thing with the new guy. I accept that we will continue to hit rough spots, but I absolutely believe that if we can put forth the necessary effort, and be patient and understanding of each other's situations - the rewards will pay off exponentially. As the old adage goes, "Nothing worth doing, is ever easy"ReplyDelete
And about the cocktail parties and gossip and all that - I honestly LOVE that folks feel the need to snicker about me and my pics. (I think they're cowards in that they don't have the courage to confront me diRECTly about any of it, but whatever) Trust me though, there is no love lost on my end...these are not people that I would choose to hang out with under any circumstances...I havta say though, I do appreciate all the free press. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - There is no such thing as bad publicity.
Thanks for always helping me to look on the bright side...You're a damn good egg, Molly!