CHEAP CAMERA/10 SECOND TIMER SELF-PORTRAITURE

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait


(All pics. snapped on 8/30/11)

If someone asked me today, "What's the one thing in your life that you would change if you could?" (shocking as this may sound) I would not answer with, "my miserable financial situation"...nope. Although my goal of achieving monetary stability definitely runs a close second, at the moment the number one thing that I'd change - would be the amount of time that I'm able to spend with "my date"...

The reasons for why we hang out so infrequently are too complicated and plentiful to prattle on about here, not to mention - the specifics therein bear no relevance to the story that I'm aiming to tell in this post. What is important though, is that you - my dear readers - know this: there are several unfortunate obstacles (one in particular) that prevent me from being with "my date" at my leisure...and up until about a week ago, this was a fairly substantial bone of contention with me.


Anyone who's known me for a little while or longer, would corroborate the fact that on those rare occasions when a man actually captures and holds my attention (beyond a mere couple of dates, mind), it's not unlike me to fall for the poor, hapless fella - astonishingly hard and ridiculously fast. If you take into account the absurd number of men that I've gone out with over the years - the ratio of duds to studs is pretty lopsided (the duds handily making up the higher percentage, duh). But this may explain why when I do like a guy - he so quickly becomes the virtual center of my universe...and why I ravenously seek to spend every free minute in his company - historically, to the neglect of my best and closest friends.

The thing with "my date" has been much trickier to navigate than most of my prior relationships though, because of pesky time constraints and irritating roadblocks which have forced me to exercise uncharacteristic, and unnaturally-occurring restraint. I've spent much of the time that he and I have been an item - feeling anxious, and rejected, and lonely, and blue. And you know? I'm not sure I would've put up with it all, this early on - for any other guy in the world. Were he not the remarkable man that he is. Most likely, by this point, I would've handed him his walkin' papers, and stormed off in a huff.    


Early last week, when the turmoil was waxing to the point of reaching critical mass - I had an "ah-ha" moment - following what turned out to be an enlightening and encouraging tete a tete with "my date". Just like that it dawned on me, that my tendency to take stuff (that oftentimes has little to do with me) too personally - will do nothing but exacerbate this already difficult situation. And despite my chronic string of emotional melt-downs, "my date" has never given up on me...

I know full well, that the trust issues I'm afflicted with on account of seriously destructive relationships from my past - must be set aside in order for the deal with "my date" to ever thrive, and what's amazing to me - is that after we'd hashed out our concerns and differences the other night - my insecurities and hang-ups began to slowly melt away. Why? Because despite all of the pit-falls and problems that we've had, my date has remained stalwart, shown integrity, and most paramount - he's been honest and I believe that I can trust him implicitly...

Additionally, I accepted that (although it is contrary to my general beliefs and practices) - there are some things that simply cannot be rushed...which is a tough concept to grasp, for someone as urgent and overeager as I can be in my relationships. And it's even harder to be patient when the reasons for having to do so, are entirely out of my control...but I'm determined to try and keep calm, and I mean that.

I know that in saying all of this, I'm at risk of coming across as regrettably naive - and maybe I am, who knows. But I'm not ignoring the fact that this isn't going to get any easier until (at the earliest) next February...and quite frankly? I'll be surprised if it even does then. And so knowing me, I will relapse and experience more episodes of sadness and despair...however - if I can only remind myself that "The best things in life are worth waiting for"...I think I can stay strong enough to get through the rough spots.


Simultaneous to "my date" and I reaching our "breaking point" - I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of two of my readers, both of whom live outside of the U.S., but who just happened to be staying in this area for awhile. The three of us hit it off right away - sipping champagne cocktails and talking for hours. But when they so kindly asked me to hang out with them the next night - my instinct was to politely decline, so that I could stay home holding vigil just in case "my date" should call to talk, or even better - invite me over so we could chat about everything in person.

In the end though, I left my house when "my date" still hadn't phoned, met up once again with my two, new friends - and I could not have been happier that I did. I reasoned, "Where's the sense in putting the rest of my life on hold, while I'm waiting for the impossible to happen, eh?" Plus, I had a crapton of fun with those guys, which reminded me that being in a relationship does not have to mean that you can't still make time to goof off with your friends...especially when they help make the stomach aches go away...




Fast forward one week, when things were markedly improved between "my date" and myself, and with only one of my new pals still here in town visiting. When my friend texted to see what I was doing that night (knowing that I wouldn't be seeing "my date") I said, "I kinda wanna take some pics.. I haven't taken any new ones in ages". We decided to meet for a drink first, while we pondered potential theme and venue options - but got totally off the subject when instead I gushed ad nauseam about "my date", and how relieved I am that crippling self-doubt is beginning to give way to a burgeoning sense of security.

I sat there at the bar, feeling genuinely happy about all sorts of different things - not the least of which - my newfound optimism, and desire to make the most of the unavoidable downtime. I now know that not being able to see my honey as often as I like, doesn't havta mean endless, idle hours spent feeling hopeless and dejected. If I can't be with him, I can keep myself busy with my art, or my friends...or even both! Like on the night that I took the pictures in this post...added bonus - my good friend shot this short video while I worked!

video

 It goes without saying that "my date" and I still have a long, rocky road ahead of us...but - if I can just stay relaxed and continue to be positive - the rewards that we reap should make it all worth it...

6 comments:

  1. Dating can be stressful, although being married for the past 11 years I can't say. I was single up until I was 38 so I did date a lot.

    It's work but also when it feels right it gets easier. If you know what you're not looking for and while still being flexible to new people (sounds like a contradiction) than you'll know when you hit something good.

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  2. @Jeff - I feel very confident in saying that I've definitely "hit something good" this time...

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  3. Wow, every shot is excellent! And each is a strikingly different type of shot... not like you're just choosing one type and mining it for all it's worth. You know your work is getting much better, don't you? It's really awesome to watch an artist grow before your very eyes.

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  4. @Steve Mouzon - Your comments have me positively beaming...possibly the most encouraging statements anyone has ever made about my work and my progress as an artist. Thank You SO very much, Steve!

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  5. Very terminator like in the shot with the crossbow

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  6. @Anonymous - AWEsome, Thank You! I'm totally diggin' the Terminator reference!

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