Monday, November 28, 2011

Gone Fishin'

(All pics. snapped on 11/27/11)

Uhhhh...yeah. Soooo...after nearly two weeks without making so much as a peep, here on The Big Ugly - you might possibly be wondering why in heaven's name - have I been been m.i.a., out to lunch, away from my desk for so long...and I guess the best excuse that I can offer you guys, for my sudden, extended sabbatical from blogging - is that I've basically been burning the candle at both ends for the entire last half of the month of November.

It was in no way a conscious decision on my part - to put self-portraiture at the bottom of an enormous heap of more pressing (and sometimes more titillating)'s more that I've woken up each morning for the last coupla weeks, with every intention of updating my blog - but mere hours into that day, and the next and the next - it became glaringly apparent that it'weren't gonna happen.  

Although I can legitimately blame the unscheduled hiatus on parental duties, the holidays, work, and all that - I'd be lying if I said that I haven't let my social life supersede my art, these last weeks. In between the parties, and bar-hopping and clandestine trysts (*woot*) particularly during this past whirlwind week - I've somehow managed to drag my weary arse to work, on an average of four hours sleep, return home, shower up, try to make myself look not-dead - and then go out and do it all over again....

Along the way, I've gotten myself tangled up in myriad, mixed-up situations with multiple men...and it's been so overwhelming that I haven't had the courage to divulge the dirty deets with anyone - not even my most trusted friend. It definitely feels weird to be walking around knowing that only I am privy to so many secrets...but there is something about it that I do kinda like...

But a serious issue came to light, just this morning...and as uncomfortable as it makes me - I would be more of an asshole than I've already been - if I didn't come clean about this matter...

You may remember The Big Chill entry in which I assumed and alleged that "my date" had handed me my walking papers so that he could run off to shag an old sweetheart. Well...I have since learned from a reliable source, that this never in fact actually happened. As soon as I found out, I can honestly say that I felt like the biggest, most psycho freaking bitch who could possibly be walking the earth...and even though I'm not exactly sure what I can do to effectively clear the names of "my date" and "the accused", I guess I should start by offering my sincerest apologies for dragging them both through the mud, like I did. I am truly sorry, I hope you believe that. And while I'm at it, I need to also apologize for getting my readers fired up and rallying for me, over an incident that I wrote about in earnest - but which was based on conjecture and circumstantial evidence. 

I literally feel about this big right was shitty what I did and I am deeply remorseful.

When I first started writing it, I'd thought that this post would serve as some sort of grand reentry into self-portraiture after having been absent for so long...a commitment to being a more present blogger, and a pledge to not wander off again, anytime soon. But after the recent turn of events forced me to use it instead as a platform on which to publicly (and rightfully) eat crow - I don't feel like doing much else at all, right now...accept cowering in a corner, in my shame. 

Speeding up the shift in mood of this post - was my overall disappointment with these stupid, fly fishing pics., from this - my first photo shoot in two weeks. Not mincing words here, it was a pain in the butt...pretty much from beginning to end. The damned fishing line got hung up in the trees a million times, the lighting was surprisingly difficult to tackle, my composition was regrettably ineffective, and adding insult to injury - I was creeped out by how certain parts of my body looked, upon uploading the pics. on my Mac...grrrrr!

After all this, I've decided that the best thing for me right now, might be to leave that "Gone Fishin'" sign in the window awhile longer...maybe a week, maybe two...hell - maybe a whole month! I mean for starters, it's gonna take some time to wipe this egg off my face...but more importantly than that - it's imperative that I shake up my approach to self-portraiture. I have to get back to spending adequate time planning and preparing for my shoots, like I used to...instead of simply squeezing them into empty slots in my schedule. Furthermore, I'm not stoked about the gossipy tone in the text of so many recent posts, and rounding out my tidy list of grievances and complaints (and probably paramount to all of the other issues that desperately need addressing) my pictures for the most part - have grown stale, and safe...and The Big Ugly deserves better than that...


  1. I was gonna add a corny line like "hope you caught a whopper while fishing" but decided to keep this comment more series. (but I snuck it in anyway)

    While I was stating how good it is in "Does it HAVta Make Sense?" to keep moving along if at a standstill it's also smart to pause and reassess. Otherwise it's like an endless series of left turns which winds us back where we started in a rut.

    Balancing action and planning is subjective and best wishes to you. Doing something different with photography is healthy for all of us who are into it. Sometimes you plan, sometimes go on a whim...sometimes both.

    Best of luck!

  2. i am reminded of the leroy neimen prints with these pix, you have a striking presence and in some a very Sexy one, enjoyed this one very much.

  3. Don't beat yourself up too much Lauralyn. We all make mistakes, you have owned up to yours, which is a great deal more than many people do.