Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Good JuJu

Good news, people! After a couple of nerve-racking, anxiety-filled weeks - I am ecstatic to report that through much prompting and persuasion by the nice folks at Apple, and the online file backup site where my data had been stored - my ridiculously expansive collection of selfpics, snapshots and videos, has found its rightful place back on my (refurbished) iMac (as well as iPhoto - so iCan tinker with 'em again!)...praise be!

...and in other photo-related news: Three of my self-portraits were recently selected to be included in the Group Exhibition of the February/March "Portrait" issue of F-Stop Magazine, ain't that cool?! (THANK You, F-Stop...a million times Thanks!)

Now for the bad news. Last evening I was literally minutes (and words) away from completing this post, but like a do-do, I left the page to go do something else - and when I returned to Blogger to finish the entry, turns out none of the text had been saved. Awesome. 

The funny part is, in hindsight? I almost consider it a godsend...cuz after sleeping on it, I realized that I'd spent way too much time trying to glorify this subpar set of pics....

...and so for the sake of avoiding droning on and on about essentially nothing (as I had done in the post that was deleted), and because it's been two weeks since I've updated The Big Ugly - the abridged (and less favorable) version of the original post is simply gonna havta're welcome.

(All pics. snapped on 1/24/12)

For as eager as I had been to stage a shoot in a field full of unbroken horses - once there, my enthusiasm evaporated. I swear to god, it was like working with a bunch of thousand pound two year olds...sweet animals, but so frisky, unruly, even surly at times - and curious to the nth degree. After my camera was repeatedly knocked off of its perch on the low thrift store table - by one mischievous, mud-covered muzzle after another - I got the bright idea to fasten it to an out-of-reach tree limb, with the help of my handy Gorillapod . But by that point I was honestly so over the whole thing, that I quit after just a few frames. Bleh.

Disappointed (but not discouraged), I was hopeful that the challenge of clambering up "Mount Round Bale", (without tripping over the dress' long train, for godssakes!) and getting into pose before my 10 seconds were up - would mean certain redemption from the botched, wild horse shoot. But alas, in reviewing this sorry series of pics., it was evident that my misfortune had perpetuated itself.

My only reprieve that day, was an impromptu shoot that I staged in a barn stall - while killing time until the farm manager was able to let me into a locked room packed with antique horse carts and carriages. The pictures produced were not "great", by any means - but sadly, they were as good as it was ever gonna get...

I don't know if it was because the farm manager and his brother stood right outside the open door, talking with each other for the endurance of the carriage room segment - what I do know is that I never got into a proper groove for these pics.. But do they suck? Magic 8-Ball says, "It is decidedly so". badly do they suck...Magic 8-Ball says, "Better not tell you now"...grrr...

Since I've written this entry twice now, I've had plenty of time to try and sort this mess out - and the best explanation that I can come up with for why my day at the horse farm was such a resounding disaster, is that during the downtime when my computer was on the fritz, and the fate of my pictures was uncertain - I think I lost hope for a spell...It was gut-wrenching to face the possibility that my blind disregard for the fragility of digital photography - might lead to the extinction of two years-worth of dedication and hard work, not to mention five additional years-worth of family snapshots...I wondered if I had brazenly committed social Hara-Kiri for the sake of my art, only to be left with nothing tangible to show for it. The more distraught I became over the worst case scenario - the more seriously I considered giving up on self-portraiture...

...and so when my friend invited me to come by and take pictures at the farm seen here in these pics. - I reflexively jumped at the chance (since by now, I'm conditioned to accept pretty much any reasonable offer). The problem was, my cynical mind kept telling me that there was really no point in even bothering with the shoot...or any other shoot ever again, for that matter. If I had in fact lost my entire body of work (as I continued to worry, at that time) the very thought of starting all over, of rebuilding my empty portfolio - was such a daunting prohibitive in fact, that I began to set my sights on chasing other dreams. I mean let's face it, I'm 43 years old for cryin' out many "good" years of this stuff, could I possibly have left in me anyway?

Long story short - when I showed up to shoot at the farm - with all of its horses and hay bales and carts - I was literally operating on auto-pilot, relying on muscle memory, going through the motions...while my brain still kept nagging, "Why in the world are we here?" 

Now...I realize that this post might seem just a smidgeon doom and gloomy - but it actually does have a happy ending. In the weeks after my computer bit the bullet, I was stuck in this weird sort of limbo - not knowing exactly what was going to happen...and not sure of what I would do when it did. All in all, I think that the mandatory time off from self-portraiture, might not have been as detrimental as I've made it out to be. Truth be told, I think it actually might've helped me. Because as a result, I've made some pretty drastic changes in my life - and (being the perennial optimist that I am) I feel confident that they will only improve the chances for my art (and all those other dreams) to truly flourish...and I mean that.

Oh, SHOOT! I almost forgot! THANK You - to my friend the farm manager, for opening up your place of employment to me...I sincerely appreciate it! I'm only sorry that I didn't take better advantage of such a wonderful opportunity...Maybe I'll have better luck, next time? 


  1. i kinda like the pic with you in the feed cage! looks wild. maybe you can go back in the future when you're in a different frame of mind... glad you got the storage issues sorted out, and found all of your prior work!

    1. Yeah, ya' know - I'd never even intended to shoot inside the barn stalls, but thank goodness I did! Otherwise there would've been literally not one single picture, from the whole entire day - that I liked at all...

      Thank you, daisyfae! I can't even tell you what a relief it is, to have all my photos in my possession. Back when I was drawing and painting - if I didn't end up selling a picture, I would just give it away. It was almost like I got so sick of lookin' at the derned thing, that I didn't care if I made any money off of it or not - I just wanted it outta my sight. For whatever reason, I never had any sort of emotional attachment to the artwork from that period of time. Maybe it's because I haven't seriously tried to sell any of my self-portraits yet, or maybe because it's more of a "blood, sweat, and tears" type of art? Or because my children have always cared far more about my selfpics, than any of the other art I've done in the past (as have I!)- but whatever the reason - I just know that I would've been completely devastated if all of my pics. had been lost...

  2. I have said this before, and I shall again. One of the things that you seem to feel is that your art somehow is not worthy of serious consideration, and that somehow others don't appreciate your eye or your passion. But the truth is that you have been selected by a serious arts publication and have been selected by a blog site a while back. Not just for your amazing nudes & the amazing model that you use ;-) - but because of how artistic you are.

    I really do hope that at some point, you consider how you might be able to expand and build upon your passion and art and find a way to do it for a living. At least part time.

    A voice from the wilderness.

    1. @Anonymous - SO uplifting, the things that you said...I am making some pretty major changes in my life, these days - which might hopefully help me realize my dream of someday being a "successful" artist...I'll keep you posted!

      Thanks so much for the encouragement!

  3. I agree with "A voice from the wilderness", you need to get paid Girrrrl!!!
    Your stuff is 2 good, keep up the good job....

    AMC 2/9/12

    1. @Anonymous - I'm beginning to believe that I should get paid, too - Haha! Here's hoping that I can finally make some headway this year...I've decided that 2012 is gonna be my year to be more proactive, to be more diligent about trying to claim my destiny!!!

      Thank you for always being such a devoted supporter, it really does mean a LOT to me!