Monday, October 10, 2011

The Big Chill

(Snapped on 10/10/11)

Well folks? I've done it again. I've let myself fall deeply and madly, hard and fast - for yet another coldhearted, duplicitous sonofabitch. And (as could've been predicted) I've suffered the patent consequences of being badly burned by the newest addition to a growing list of baleful, backstabbing bastards - to each of whom I've given much more than I've gotten in return.

To put it mildly, I felt frozen...paralyzed...prostrate...immobile - immediately following "my date's" abrupt, humiliating, and nonnegotiable dismissal of me - presumably so that he could fuck fan the fires with a former flame, who just happened to be flitting about town for a few days...(fml).

In any case, I am eternally grateful for the warmth of good friends (old and new), and my dear, sweet, wonderful children - cuz they thawed out my heart before it turned into a solid block of ice. Love you guys so very much.

Perhaps because I'm in the throes of this brutal, emotional deepfreeze - I feel more eager than ever to delve back into self-portraiture with a ferocious, fiery vengeance...and so, pray you'll forgive me for the brevity of this post - but there's a full moon in the sky and a lovely, patchy fog tonight - both of which seem dead set on melting my woes away.


  1. sending a hug. this is why i bricked up my heart, after wrapping it in kevlar and dunking it in concrete. i gave up. sometimes it's easier when you tell yourself it ain't gonna happen.

    but keep going with the self-portraits. they are extraordinary...

  2. *warm hugs* The coldhearted duplicitous sonofabitch (great insult, there) has a very angry Dee from across the ocean on his karma, now. He'll get what's his.

    xx Dee

  3. @daisyfae - I'm beginning to think that you may be spot on, daisyfae - and believe me when I say, it's the last thing I've wanted to believe. But try as I might, I can't seem to shake this relationship curse...

  4. @Curvaceous Dee - That he will, Dee...that he will...

    Thanks for the hugs, gal. It's the good peeps like you and daisyfae and so many others - who untie the knots in my stomach a bit.

  5. Keep trying! Good guys are out there. I love your self portraits! Can't wait to see what the next weekend brings


  6. That's a great picture. Very powerful and very emotionally wrenching. I'm sorry your personal life is so screwed up. Hugs from here as well.

  7. @Anonymous - I appreciate your optimism...maybe I shouldn't give up just yet :)

    I have actually gone out and taken a coupla new batches of pics. - now if only I can find the time to sit down and write about 'em *sigh*...hopefully this weekend, like you said.

    Thanks so much for comin' here, I hope you'll stop by again sometime!

  8. @Alex R. - You DID come back - that's AWEsome - THANKS, Alex!

    And thanks also for the hugs...I'm doin a whole lot better, actually. As they say, this too shall pass...

  9. Always store meat (or naked women) below produce!

    I hope things improve. :j


  10. @Trinko - Hey Buddy!!! Long TIME! I was so tickled, not only to see that you'd stopped by my silly, ole blog - but also by your hilarious comment. Thank You so much for the laugh!

    Hope all's good in your world :) Oh, and thanks...I am happy to report that things have alREADy improved - exponentially...Halleluiah!

  11. What a fantastic shot to fit the post. Sad that you have to go through the pain, but the pic shows that good things can come from even the most painful experiences. Don't give up, kiddo. We may be in the minority, but not all of us are BBB's.

    - a fan

  12. Sorry to hear this, Lauralyn. Let the work sustain you until it passes. It will. (And I see from your comments maybe it already is.)

    As Julian of Norwich said almost 600 years ago, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

    I can't wait to see the new pictures!

  13. @Anonymous - Well? If you say so...I guess I'll take your word on the crazy notion that despite not being able to find one for myself - there actually ARE good guys out there :) Your comment has left me feeling cautiously optimistic, Thank You!

  14. @Nathan - you're so sweet- Thank You...and yeah, I havta say - it's almost miRACulous that I've recovered so quickly! No more wretched stomachaches, matter of fact - I actually have an appetite for the first time in nearly 3 months...even ate a piece of chicken instead of peanut butter for dinner, the other night - WHAT?! The strange thing about all this nonsense to ME is - how adamant/determined I was to have the stupid jerk in my life, and yet now that we're history - I realize how fortunate I am to be rid of him.

  15. I am so sorry to hear that you have been hurt again... You share so much of yourself thru your art, your words, and I suspect your deeds. And you deserve a man who can appreciate you, your passions, and your energy and provide the trust, love and support that you desire.

    I will share this - I, too, had one disappointing love after another until I realized that the constant in all of this was me. I chose the wrong partners. Yet, that was only part of it, for when I tried to choose better (and I did), I couldn't quite get the closeness that my soul craved.

    Yet, that's not doom and gloom. I have come to realize that part of love and being with someone includes sometimes sharing all that we are and asking for what it is that we most need. Some will say no, and some will say yes. If someone says no because they are mean, selfish, spiteful, or whatever (with no good reason), they are trash that needs to be left on the curb. If someone says yes to use you, to trap you, etc, then they too need to be left on the curb.

    But there are those who, when you show yourself as naked emotionally as you share in your art, they will say yes if they can, no if they can't (but really want to), and who's response is grace and offering you the love you need. Those men (and women) are rare, but they do exist.

    How do I know? For I am one, and I have met others.

    A voice from the wilderness

  16. @Sxybklvr - Soooo...last evening while on my iPhone, I tried to post your nice comment - but sadly - my big, fat finger mistakenly pressed the "delete" selection, rather than "publish" :( I felt like such a dunce...I'm so SORry! Anyway, hopefully you won't mind if I copy and paste it from the email notification, and post it here:

    Sxybklvr said,

    "I love your honesty and your work.
    The last anonymous post gives me hope."

    So nice of you to visit my blog, and to touch base with me...I'm just bummed that I did such a lousy job of welcoming you properly at first.

    Oh, and I agree with you about the Anonymous post...Keep your sunny side up, I have been...and I havta say - it's remarkable how many wonderful things have happened just since I've made a concerted effort to think positively!